Normalizing the Abnormal (The Wrong Kind)
As I'm once again forced to shutdown my in-person services due to rising cases in my province, I've been pumping out a lot more content and truly hope you're enjoying some of it! I've completely pivoted back to online appointments for the next few weeks, so if you'd like to receive Intuitive Healing & Guidance services online, just check out my website for details and booking.
This article idea came about because lately I've been coaching people through how they found reasons to minimize and "normalize" behaviours that completely violated their bodies, mentality, and trust. As an Intuitive Healer that specializes in trauma recovery & healing, it's becoming a commonality that I deal with... but I also want to quickly point out that I considered the term "normal" to have been thrown out the window years ago. Everyone's "normal" is different, and frankly I only use the term nowadays when I'm talking about the fact that people accepted something - that was hurtful and/or unacceptable - as being "normal". This is really what I want to dive into here to talk about the realities of normalizing inappropriate behaviour, and how I've coached others on this issue...
It's no secret that enduring any form of abuse as a child would've painted a picture in your mind that the behaviour and actions are "normal". As someone that endured this in the family, I can tell you that children learn these behaviours because they don't have any other role models to show them differently. In cases where someone does not receive the healing they need to overcome the trauma and move on, there's a high likelihood that they themselves will become an abuser. For the most part, this tends to be abuse towards themselves - using addictions to cope, being stuck in negative self-talk & circumstances, and remaining in the victimhood stage where they can't find ways to do things for themselves. I share that statement based on the fact that THIS USED TO BE ME! But on the flip-side of this (true to the percentage that never see their truths & heal in any way), victims can find reasons to be abusive towards others.
This was actually a wake up call for myself as well. As I got older, I started to notice that I would easily lose my temper and take my anger out on someone close to me. It was verbal on my part, but it was a natural (learned) tendency that always left me feeling bad -- this behaviour was how most of the abuse I witnessed & endured started out. This tendency in itself is a red flag, and one that literally had me seeing red anytime I was triggered to react that way - which is how I realized it wasn't truly me. But being blind to my past trauma (having repressed my memories) I didn't realize that it was my subconscious' way of trying to vocalize all the suffering I kept within. I really do believe that all red flags are a true reflection of that persons mentality, and I now know that lashing out is always about an issue with the person doing it.
But then came trying to figure out why, which is where therapy helped. Once I was able to dig up the memories I repressed and finally feel comfortable talking about them, I quickly realized that part of this behaviour was due to the fact that I couldn't fight back or do anything differently as a child. If your needs, thoughts, feelings, etc. are cast aside as a child, then you grow up believing no one cares or will listen to you... and as you get older, your mind finds ways to try and "make up" for this. Like feeling backed into a corner, with nowhere to go, you unleash the pain within using your words; but usually projecting and misplacing blame. And while I wish to move onto other points here, I wanted to highlight the fact that trauma is (in my opinion) the #1 cause for dissociative disorders, addictions, and complete mental distortion.
I recently coached someone who had a hard time believing she was molested as a child, only because she was touched inappropriately while clothed. But then she said she became a suicidal child who forgot about it because no one believed her. I had to point out that regardless of how she viewed it, it violated her and was definitely the cause for her suicidal thoughts (because let's face it: no child goes to suicidal thoughts without trauma to back that up). This is just one small example of how quickly & easily we forget the harsh things that completely change our lives...
But aside from traumatic situations & events, many people do normalize unacceptable behaviour as they grow older - and for the most part, they do it out of love for someone. Some people that don't necessarily become abusive can become obsessive, and it's usually an inner need for security, love and acceptance that fuels this behaviour. Those that go that route don't even see that they have an issue with control.. and unless someone points it out to them, they don't see there's anything wrong with their thinking. The problem here too is that it becomes "normal" the longer it's tolerated and they can get away with it; which often happens when these people flock to those that appear weaker than them so they can brainwash them. But what's possibly more alarming are couples that aren't good for each other, but each see's no alternative...
This is where false believes have narrated their understanding and (in)ability to see more positivity. You have people that stay together for the kids (If there's an issue you can work out in therapy - great! But otherwise - bad idea.).. And you have people that think it's completely "normal" that they fight with each other. But when I say fighting, I mean screaming at each other and it doesn't get resolved kind of fighting. This in itself should be a red flag, but the misconception and false beliefs from their past make these people minimize its severity. For the people that feel trapped in abusive & unhealthy relationships; I'm so sorry because when it's bad, it's much harder to leave... find yourself some support & help through the legal system to do so, because this may be the only way.
Another recent client I was coaching was discussing how she feels she's with "the one", even though myself and other Readers saw otherwise. As she was describing this [over the top] fighting dynamic of their relationship and how she completely accepts it as "normal"; the way she talked about it made ME feel bad about wanting to tell her - my husband and I have had our ups and downs and we don't agree on everything, but we've NEVER raised our voices at each other in anger and we come to an agreement that meets each others needs within minutes of discussing it.
And the truth about it all is that we need to come to a place where we can begin to see it more clearly in order to finally come to terms with the fact that all of this is true. Every time I coach someone, I find myself saying (at some point) - you need to take a step back and begin looking at the situation from an outsiders perspective. Use a close friend or role model as an example and seriously ask yourself what they would think / do / say if they had witnessed the situation (or if it happened to them). This is another reason why I also recommend journaling... as sometimes, writing about how we really feel is the only way some truths are spoken and figured out.
If this is a topic you wish to personally discuss further with me - in a coaching call like the examples I shared here - reach out to me. All my clients have the option to opt out of me using content as you would see it in this blog, and know that with every session I do.. I don't consider it complete unless you leave with more clarity, and feeling better about the next step you take. :)