Bittersweet Goodbyes (A Confession)
We're all feeling the unease and depression. Some more so than others; if you've been touched by any tragedy so far this year than surely the pain feels like it's piling up. My heart is with everyone at this time as we wait to see what happens to the ever-changing world around us. While I've been fortunate enough to have not been effected by COVID-19, I have had to face many emotions in the past few weeks. Whether it was intuitively picked up on or results of actions/decisions in my life, there's been a lot of energies and emotions to feel. My experience only echoes the fact that we're all in this together and I want to share some wisdom from it...
Nothing hurts more than having to say "goodbye" and for some [like me], it doesn't matter who, what or why. Even if we're willingly doing so, it's still an emotional move to make because of the sense of "finality". I can't tell you how many times I've cried and felt guilty about leaving a job or skipping an event even though I wanted to or had decided that it was best for me. While there's a deeply rooted belief tied to such reactions, that's not the point I want to get at here... Goodbyes are not easy, and since I've had to begin doing some of my own recently, I want to share how I've been keeping my head straight while still riding the tides of the emotions.
Returning readers know that this year wasn't kind to me even before the pandemic was declared - I was gradually laid off from my day-job in the weeks prior to; which was only officially confirmed once the closures began in mid-March. Since I was focused on ramping up my Intuitive Healing business this year, all of this put a wrench in my plans; I was scheduled to have a booth at some events that ultimately had to be cancelled or postponed, and so nothing went according to plan.
It was obviously necessary for this to happen, but I felt despair as it created a major setback for me. Suddenly, the paths in front of me appeared blocked and I didn't see any other way. The events I scheduled would've exposed me to hundreds of people by this point in time -- something I was looking forward to as a possible emerging point in my career. Instead, I'm back to asking the same questions as many others: "What do I do now?" and "How can I make money in this economy?".
And I'll be completely honest here: I've been told by many that now is the time to ramp up online business. I also watched people jump at every opportunity to make a buck off of selling supplies that are now widely needed because of the pandemic. Yet I feel like the only one shaking their head at some of what I've seen.. I know it may just be a difference of opinion, but as someone that recognizes how many people are finding themselves without homes or income during this time, I knew that the last thing I want to be perceived as is another person trying to dig into people's pockets during a pandemic.
So in a sense, I actually began to say "goodbye" to my business as I knew it... If this position was forced upon me then perhaps I need to go with it and take a step back. I went from having a comfortable job that supported my business endeavours -- to losing that job, but preparing for these events that could mark a turning point in my Healing business -- to returning to the drawing board because I need to make sure all of my bills will get paid. If any of this rings true to you, know that you're definitely not alone!
During a time where jobs are more limited than ever, I find myself in the position of trying to find work... This fact requires a lot more processing behind the scenes than one may realize. If you find yourself in this position than you likely agree: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and that's the only reasoning behind it. We may have to lower our expectations and suspend our long-term interests to ensure we have an income.. which is perfectly okay, but it's a decision we know we may likely re-evaluate in the future. Without even realizing it (or perhaps we have in some small way), we've already said goodbye to the life we used to know. Albeit only temporarily, but there's some form of closure that we've accepted in getting to this point. It's almost bittersweet how quickly one can accept the circumstances and move onward..
While I was pondering over the drawing board of my career path, I was also having to keep in mind that I also need to move my family. Various circumstances led to the decision, and it's one that's still sinking in - 1 week before the closing date. It's been nerve-wracking waiting to see how it will play out considering that we signed to buy a house prior to the pandemic, but I know I won't regret it once I've moved in and so I decided this is the "prize" that I'm looking forward to. Yet I admit it still doesn't feel 100% real; as we navigate the current situation in the world. Being in this position made me realize that saying goodbye to my current home - even as much as I dislike it and want to move on - is also sad for me. Much like closing a chapter and realizing how profound it was...
Needless to say, I've taken a very authoritative approach to get through and deal with everything. Since old-me wouldn't have been able to deal with these changes & decisions without curling up into a ball and crying about it, likely missing opportunities by waiting for a solution to come to me, I have come to notice how much I've changed as a person. My outlook has shifted to being primarily concerned about how to get what I want and be happy while still being able to manage life, finances, etc. I feel fortunate that I've found this balance, but it was only made possible by me being willing to say goodbye to anything that no longer serves my highest good.
Since I'm still not fond of goodbyes, I tend to do it quickly if I can. I found Teddy a new vet and requested his files to be transferred via email so as to not get emotional over the phone. As soon as I got the first "sad to see you go!" reply, I couldn't help but cry for a minute. This marked the beginning of the moving emotions for me.. as I realized the vet staff would never see Teddy again, that we can't have a proper "goodbye" with our local friends, and as I vigorously purge household items that I no longer want to keep. As I wrapped up my previous dog's urn to be packed, I took a moment to sit with the sudden sadness I was feeling and allow it - allowing ourselves to feel however we want to feel is a more important practice to have right now. The longer we ignore and avoid feelings, the stronger they build within us. There is no shame in letting it out as it allows us to begin processing it.
Honestly, this is how I've been keeping my cool this year despite everything that's happened to me. As a Goddess and Priestess, I learned that it's not about achieving a perfectly crystalline, negativity-cannot-touch kind of life... it's about allowing and accepting all emotions and working with your truths to step forward! Healing is all about addressing yourself head on, processing your thoughts and emotions, and coming up with an action plan to get to your desired outcome. This process can go any way, and any length, that you need - and only YOU can determine that. Know that there's no fault in needing extra time and self-care measures, because everyone processes emotions differently and, of course, it will also depend on the issue at it's core.