Confessions - The Tough Stuff

because when you decide you're not the same person (stuck in the narcissist life), you become a traitor to those people.

   Going about your day as an empath can sometimes be mentally, emotionally, & physically draining... sometimes so much that we have felt burdened by the ability. Overall, it can feel heart-breaking to continue on while learning of the tragedy that surrounds us in our world everyday. Whether it's the wrong-doings you pick-up on from people you encounter, or crucial public-affecting decisions based on biased and/or false information - it's enough to bring disappointment and a heaviness to our hearts.

   In addition to this, I struggle to connect with a lot of people and thought-processes due to being an old soul; whether it's a lack of common sense or empathy, or watching someone put priorities in the wrong order.. these just being the common peeves. Being this way can easily be pointed at as the main reason I cannot maintain certain relationships and jobs, but it usually results in taking a lot of stress off my plate to make decisions to walk away. The reasons in which I am naturally driven & able to help others, are the same reasons why I find some people end up despising me - a fact that I have accepted with humour once realizing that my honesty (the truth) is the reason for it.

   I've come to accept that some people see me in the wrong light: I can be impatient (I get things done, and quick!), and I can be direct (I will point out errors/problems without a second thought, as long as I have no doubt about it). For the most part, and especially in a professional environment, these qualities are highly appreciated... except by the few who conduct themselves with the exact opposite behaviour. I find out that these people see me as "overstepping" and "anal" all while my work slowly reveals them as "careless" and "two-faced". This is never done intentionally to anyone, especially as my concern is just doing things right!

   Anytime I see any behaviour that doesn't look or sit right, I will put up a wall and watch that person. If I endure or uncover anything hurtful and/or destructive, I will retreat into silence while I process the information and decide what I may need to do. Seeing this as my process makes it easier to understand why no one ever "sees me coming" - every time I get to a point of making a final decision, it seems to be a shock to whoever hears it. In fact, my last boss had said to me: "I just assume you're all peachy keen and just quiet because you're so busy". Anyone that can relate will know how we tend to act as observers in today's society - mostly watching & reading to see if people are authentic and trustworthy. Once I feel at ease (usually accompanied by a safe-feeling energy), I know I'm good to begin a relationship.

   Noting all this... there's always a chance down the line that things could change, but that usually takes a falling out that ends on bad terms. Regardless of the relationship and it's strength, I have come to find discretion may always the best policy to follow. I have learned the hard way that it's sometimes not the best idea to trust every energy, especially if there's ever been any uneasiness. This was one lesson I learned early in my development phase, which has taught me to use caution. As it just so happened, I went through a lot of changes in this time period including one in which I reinvented my relationship with my spouse. This is no secret if you've been keeping up with me (see Co-Piloting an Empath articles) as I'm now happy to share my advice from the experiences I've had. However at the beginning of this work, I sought out advice from friends on recommendation by our counsellor.. so I naturally chose people closest to me. The only problem that has come from this is that some have decided to use that conversation to paint a false picture of us, as we've fallen out in the years since.

   The effects of this cause disappointment due to the breach of trust, but more-so over the false information that's been circulated, and possibly believed. Sensitive-me blames myself for wanting to confide in someone I thought I could trust (thus reverting me to a state of "trust no one" for a while), meanwhile I am more upset over the principle of using sensitive, personal information to attempt to bring other people down and feel better about themselves. It is beyond me & my understanding how anyone can think this bully behaviour is okay to do to another person, especially when there's no appropriate reason. Thankfully, it brings me gratitude to know the opposite of anything being said & believed is true, and a laugh when thinking of the possible assumptions. But all of this serves as another crucial reminder: what other's think of us should not be of any concern to us.

   This is a hard pill to swallow as an empath, and opens up a whole new discussion on personal values. If I don't stop it in time, my mind will wander to picture/consider the possibilities of another person if they continue in their ways, and wonder why they think that's okay. The consideration brings great emotions as we see injustices that can be done and lies continuing to spin as needed for these people. This brings sadness as seeing their misguided way through life will only bring more problems than solutions in the future; more often than not, I've pointed out such flaws at one point or another - which seems to have given these people reason (in their mind) to blame me for their outcome.

   Off the bat, I will identify with the fact that more often than not, I've found myself in this situation because I've been trying to help/fix a narcissist or someone that truly doesn't want change. While it's upsetting in many ways to see that anyone would continue in their harsh ways, despite advice on what to do to move forward toward goals & create a better life, it seems to have served as a lesson on people not to help. As harsh as the statement is, it also comes from realizing that no amount of help will change a someone that doesn't want to try. I have sacrificed a lot of my own time, money, and personal & family needs, to help said people in the past... only for the relationship to end on terms that slander me when I finally need to put my foot down (for myself); boundaries I will never allow to be crossed again.

   This is a hard battle to fight because it's in us to naturally help anyone in front of us that needs it. My late development (in many aspects of my life) was cemented by the fact that I spent the first 25 years living for such figures; it was pushed on me to become what they couldn't be & had wanted, in addition to catering to their daily needs, and I happily (and silently) complied through the abuse as I felt it was my responsibility to make them happy. The damage was much worse knowing that my outlook on life (that was learned) was false and self-destructive, among many other things.. which is a very appalling realization. Realizing that my way of thinking was wrong ensured that it wasn't hard to change, but the habit itself is harder to break from - when you decide you're not the same person (stuck in the narcissist life), you become a traitor to those people.

   Once this happens, the rumours and backlash are never-ending - I will always be "that asshole" that "abandoned them", and they will make sure everyone hears that. As much as I hate it, my ability makes it so that I still feel sorry for them... even after all the verbal/mental/sexual abuse I endured at their hands. I still feel their hold on me, making me feel bad for their circumstances. This hold is easily identified as the worst scenario to deal with as an empath, as it's nearly impossible to see your own needs amongst what the narcissist requires of you - and yes, they do suck the life out of us as they're highly attracted to our ability to naturally help ("cater to") them.

   I can't even begin to express the anger I have over the fact that such atrocities can occur in this world, and continue on without seeing the light of day... I think it's because I really wished I had an adult that could've stepped in to talk to me and blow the whistle, in hopes of maybe having a different outcome now. The thought of doing that for myself as a child was non-existent, because I didn't know life as being any different. I know, and feel, it's pointless to think about because the past can't be changed, but it is a statement I will maintain for the sake of current & future generations. Old Soul-me steps in here to share the deep disappointment and hurt felt by the fact that such behaviours still exist, and seems to continue unnoticed.

   The fact is upsetting as it's still a factor damaging even more people, and leaving a lot set up to start life on the wrong foot. It's shameful to think and know how hurtful some people can be, and even more so to realize that a percentage of the general population hasn't adapted the ability of empathy.. or even the ability to be considerate of others, in general. One famous "punch-line" I like to throw around in the workplace is "Always be kind, as you never know what someone is going through". It just so happens that lately, the common response I receive to this is "You're/That's right", and "Yes, everyone's got problems". I just wish everyone had this understanding and treated each other respectfully as such!

   It can be a tough society to walk amongst, and it's a very emotional one at that. I find this causes a huge conflict within me as well, as I struggle to decide where I want to live on a long-term basis. Living in a city amongst a highly-populated region, I find myself clashing with the energies of crowds and frowning at how I see people treated in public on a daily basis. The hustle and bustle of the modern world has changed a part of humanity in a negative way... Too many people are in too much of a hurry to be considerate of others, and I find that these people see their needs as something that surpasses those of any other because they chose that lifestyle.

   Too many times I have watched people be insulted or nearly injured/killed by someone that was too self-centered & in a hurry in their car or within a store - all incidents that left me shook up to witness. Enduring such things has me convinced that I can no longer live in a heavily populated area - I long for the peace and quiet of an area where your neighbours aren't attached to you, and the possibility of that "busyness energy" seems much lower. I won't get started on the subject of animals as that would be an article of it's own.. I hold them all dearly in my heart, and the crimes against them are the absolute worst pains my soul has ever felt; I long to also move away from the city because I cannot support the changes & brutality society has forced on them. Regardless, I do find the conflict resides in realizing that I can do my part (to help), but I will never be able to help/save every one... so what is the solution that leaves me with the most peace

   There are a great many conflicts that reside inside, and this merely covers the stronger feelings. Sometimes it's hard to separate the perceived from what it is that should truly concern us. This has been the greatest struggle with being this person, I find; a lot of my down time is spent dissecting why I'm feeling the way I am so I can remove it when I realize it's not meant for me. Being an empath, an absorber, can make it difficult to see the light unless you can find processes that work for you in your daily life. Surrounding yourself with peace, positivity, and the right people is also key to supporting your lifestyle. Depending on one's desires and needs, I also recommend looking into training & support for spirituality - I've found this beneficial, as well as a great incentive to offer my help as a service!

Anyone with questions can feel free to reach out to me, and I sincerely wish you all the best on your spiritual journeys!

#empath #intuitiveempath #spiritualawakening #lifetransformation #empath101 #empathconfessions

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