A Confession - Life Lessons

   I remember sitting in someone's office, while being counselled on my traumatic past, and asking "why did all this happen to me?". Truth be told: no matter how much better off and different I am now, the aftermath still sees that I continue to live a sheltered life in some ways. There are certain things that are normal for most people, and a far-fetched dream for me; while this was unfair for it's own reasons, it's only driven me to live by a better example. In addition to this, it has provided me with a wider understanding of people... even though the cruelty haunts my heart. No matter how much good I do and feel for myself, witnessing one small negative act (example: someone rudely commenting to another out of ignorance) hurts my very soul. Whether I like it or not, enduring traumatic events may have played a part in shaping who I am as it allowed me to learn suffering at a young age. And whether I like it or not, my familiarity with such emotions has allowed me to identify when people are feeling them.

   The answer to my question wasn't as comforting as I had hoped, but then again what response would be? There is no positive aside from knowing that it made me a much stronger person to survive it and carry on. I'm sure that no matter how much better I get, there will always be those few things that can remind me of my bad experiences. While it may not be helpful to be recovering from all this while awakening as an empath, it has certainly made my life experiences a lot more interesting. When you think the world can't get any smaller, something is always waiting around the corner to remind you that it is. While I've also found my circle has grown smaller in recent years, I'm finding that I come to see the chaos I missed by not being involved. It is never obvious at the time; there's always a storm before it's clear enough to see how great (the truth) things are. The harder part of the lesson is realizing that you need to go through all the hardships to learn what you need to about life - a prime rule I keep in mind when revealing truths to others; sometimes, they need to experience something tough in order to build character and/or move on (from their current situation).

   One example that I feel I sometimes preach (in lessons) is one that involves the heartbreak of losing relationships. I'm not referring specifically to romantic relationships, but any that I expected to be long-lasting and unconditional. For people like myself, it takes a road of betrayals/lies, and months of silently enduring the unease caused by that person's energy, before we are pushed to a point of doing something about it. For me, it takes several incidents (of walking away from a conversation feeling that certain words didn't sit right, and accompanied by uneasy energy) to fill the jar that ends up being spilled when I find myself overwhelmed by the final incident. The final incident sometimes isn't even as dramatic as one would expect - I find those situations don't have as much of a lead-up that affects me - but instead tend to be the final conversation in which a bluff is finally called, and (when asked to explain; because I'm "being crazy") I let the floodgate open... It may be loud, and it may come across angry because of my energy, but the content is usually just a regurgitation of the contradictions I noticed in the weeks/months prior.

   As this "outburst" ends up putting the other person in their spot, I have found this can end up being the last straw for that relationship. Depending on the person, of course.. but this has unexpectedly turned into my own test of "Are you authentic?", as I've found the end result can only go one of two ways:

1) The person emotionally breaks down and admits their wrong-doings, why they had lied, and we discuss how to fix the problem and our relationship; or,
2) The person acts as if I have ruthlessly attacked them and plays the victim - making excuses (further discussions only result in me pointing out how they are stumbling and further confirming highlighted contradictions & suspicions) and trying to turn the conversation by attempting to point out a flaw of mine; usually, they try to get out of the conversation by calling me crazy... all while showing themselves the door.

   When the conversation ends with the 2nd result, the relationship is usually pretty much over. I may have contact with the person depending on their needs from me, but there's usually a slim chance there's any - except in the rare instance that they come back and admit their troubles.

   These situations are the hardest to deal with, because we are connected to it on so many different levels. On one hand, it essentially effects the relationship and our own feelings. On the other hand, we're torn apart on the inside as a result of everything experienced. All along, we had a gut-wrenching feeling not to trust... but we give the benefit of the doubt as we're usually trying to help. Having some faith that someone won't lie to you is also a hard fact to let go of; because we know that when we confirm that for ourselves, the trust (and sometimes respect) is completely gone. It's extremely hard to earn that back from us too, which I think is the reason why we try to look away until the breaking point. This can be damaging on it's own, and we are sometimes torn due to our invisible obligation to aid the other; we feel badly for pointing things out no matter how truthful, and we sympathize for the other person's situation if we take away the help we were giving. I have had to teach myself to let this go, as it is what it is... but also to use the experience as a reminder to trust my initial instincts.

   I never did get an actual answer to the question I had asked. There never is a reason or excuse for anyone to be treated badly in any way.. a simple fact that I feel is hardly mutual anymore. I've seen the pattern of people only wanting to cause pain because they have been intentionally hurt and did not heal from it. I can also confirm for a fact that it is an endless cycle if one does not get help for any of their troubles - they don't heal (meaning they aren't at peace, and likely aren't their true selves), continue to carry on with the behaviours from "knowing" that lifestyle was normal; and it repeats with each generation raised on that normalcy. As much as I want to help everyone, I've felt like I learned the hard way that you sometimes need to walk away from certain people. This is essential to preserving our own feelings and energy, and prevents us from the unease and heartbreak ahead. If anything at all, being who I am now and being able to read into what I can, is justifiably the real positive to "why me?".

#empath #intuitiveempath #relationshipwithempath #lifelessons #spiritualawakening #empathconfessions

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