A Confession - Courage

   Truth be told, I've been very hesitant on what to post since my big reveal was made public. I do not regret doing it, and hope that it positively effects at least one person out there. I do not intend to continue writing on the topic either, but I've instead found myself rescheduling a post to provide a form of update. Much like how the universe continues to prove itself smaller every day, some developments in the last couple weeks have caused me to start changing my mind. As I did not divulge a lot of background or added information, I can say that there's a lot of context missing that explains why I had to go into hiding as an adult. Needless to say, I've still wondered if there's a way to get any closure.

   Even though I dropped off the grid by moving and keeping to myself, I unfortunately had to experience being cornered (more than once!) by my abuser in a public place; all thanks to them digging for information on the web. And yes - this was despite privatizing (or canceling) everything I used, which was very little considering my feelings about social media. Being confronted in public was a very trying experience to say the least, and so it's not something I wish to have happen again. This occurred while I was recovering from the realization of (the reality of) my past.. so I'm sure it fuelled my PTSD even more. (Thankfully, knowing this and taking immediate measures to deal with it ensured this is no longer an issue.)

   While I sometimes wonder if I had handled it the appropriate way, I easily shoot that down knowing that it's what I want regardless. When I realized that my "dropping off the grid" was the only way I could finally start being, and living for, myself, I wanted not to be reminded by anything... I don't want, nor need, to put myself in any other situations that can replay a memory. Being an intuitive empath and working within a larger team provides a lot more silent triggers than I even realized have occurred - I've sometimes found myself stuck in a state of "fight or flight" due to the mood and/or who I am around. As this has provided a lot of frustration, and requires more down time so I can recover, it always gives me a lot to think about (and with).

   Additionally, while possibly even more noteworthy, recent events of those close to me have made the memories replay. The decision about the outcome of this situation is still unknown, but it's made me consider what's involved in pressing charges. I've come to learn that I anticipated how emotional the process would be - and the possible confrontation involved. Even considering how stressful it would be, I think I've started to warm up to the idea; at least for the sake of officially reporting it. It will take a lot of courage should I decide to do so myself; as I've come to learn how much is needed when deciding the final outcome of the abuser. As much as I would not regret pulling this trigger (as I have every reason to), it's a heavy and life-changing decision to be made; with repercussions that will expand to other relationships, as is the case with these situations. In complete honesty: I find myself egging for the charges to be pressed, even though sympathetic to the struggle on deciding the outcome (afraid of what it will cause).

   Having considered how much courage has been needed to get to where I'm at now, I do have to wonder how harsh I've been on myself. Anyone that can relate may agree - there have been days where I forced myself out of bed against my own will - simply needing a day of laying low. The same feeling has been shared by tasks such as working, socializing, and minor life decisions; I tend to force myself to attend with a smile painted on... meanwhile, I may be screaming on the inside. I've come to realize this happens when I'm not aligning with "it" anymore; the job no longer suits my needs and interests, someone's true colours show or something unforgiving is done, and the noteworthy realization when someone or group has been taking advantage of my kindness and/or skills. Truthfully, it takes a lot of courage for me to finally put my foot down, even when I've been wanting to for a long time. I find I need some time to confirm my suspicions or see what really happens, and I can't outwardly do/say what I want until I am essentially pushed over that edge - I bottle everything through every smile and let the rage pour out (verbally) when that floodgate gets opened.

   It can seem out of character, but it's not. I know I don't necessarily enjoy being that way as I actually feel terrible about it afterwards; regardless of how honest I was about myself and the truth in hiding, and on deciding whatever it was that needed to be done. A job is actually an easy example in my opinion: At the end of the day (typically after months of debate and grinning through my frustrations), I have made the decision to move on because it was for my own good. Sometimes it's happened simply due to circumstances (which turn into a blessing), but a lot of times I find myself giving up when I'm constantly hitting a wall due to mismanagement. It takes a long time for me to give my notice, and it's never easy despite me wanting it; part of me feels guilty for "giving up", even though I'm then past that point. Long story short though, I realize I've had to muster up a lot of courage for myself in the past... something I haven't given myself proper credit for. I do feel that's a result of having the life experiences that I've had: it's very hard to recognize the strengths through the struggles.

   Realizing this much has made me evaluate my stance on pressing charges, among other things in my life. If I've had the courage to make it through as much as I have, I know I can do anything else I want/need. It's sometimes a hard lesson to learn yourself, and easier said than done (at least for some situations), but I find it an essential attitude towards life in general. If we aren't living life the way we want to, then we're inadvertently hindering our own happiness. Knowing this to be true is why it feels like I make drastic changes in my life.. yet they are necessary ones that leave me happier and with more peace. If you're debating making any decisions or changes, my advice is to stop and remember what really matters and remind yourself of what can be missed by not trying. 

We all have the courage if we look upward and try!

#empath #intuitiveempath #childhoodtrauma #lifetransformation #overcomingobstacles #empathconfessions