On Speaking Up

   The next few articles I post are going to be as raw as they come. If you haven't read the latest update (posts not migrated to Blogger); I do have content written on being a victim of abuse that I'm going to publish. I never would've imagined I would be public with such truths, but this outlet has provided enough comfort to do so. The truth being spoken is the main goal, but I still write with the intention of reaching out to others who've had similar experiences. It has been a long, tough road and I'm not going to lie - I think "breaking free" and facing the truth, alongside the discovery of who I am, is where the credit is due for me coming out the other side.

   My whole life, I've found myself to be someone that easily blends into the background. A lot of the time it's by choice, as I've always felt overwhelmed and anxious in a crowd. When I was younger (but also sometimes now), this has happened without me even intending it... and sometimes even despite my best efforts to be included. Having been a kid that was ridiculed (and worse) by classmates, I rarely found a will to have my own voice or place among others. To make matters worse, my world outside of school was a source of unstable emotions and thoughts. I won't lie in saying this much too: for many years, especially in my teens, my source of comfort and stability was routine visits with psychiatrists that were supplemented with various pills. Having never faced the truth of it all held me under a spell that kept me from being who I am truly am.

   Before I go much further, I do have a interesting fact I don't mind sharing: despite my history with mental illness and having been on various pills (at once), I now no longer require routine therapy or take any medication. While I do NOT dispute that medication is helpful and/or necessary for mental illnesses, I have come to realize that "ripping off the band-aid" and putting myself first made a lot of my problems (stress) go away. There are still times when darkness can get the best of me (more so now that my concern is PTSD triggers), but I remind myself it's temporary and situational. Even though it's not something I would admit, I am glad to know that I can attribute any depression and anxiety I feel to a person and/or situation; reinforcing the fact that it's temporary.

   While I may seem like someone that's come out the other side in a much better place, I can assure you it didn't feel that way. My own self-development (life changes and spiritually) was only part of my progress, and simply a result of me opening my eyes for what felt like the first time. There are days where I'm questioned on things that remind me of how far behind I am as a result of how my life has gone. That alone can bring some depression for me, as it's hard not to feel insignificant amongst my peers once these "differences" have been identified. While I do my best to put it aside, I end up feeling conflicted by the one affirmation I have - no one knows what I've been through, or who I really am. Truthfully, this only hurts because it ensures no one gets to know the real me unless they become a very close friend.

   I feel that I'm beginning to preach by saying this, but it is a truthful affirmation: "no one knows what I've been through". This is partially why I believe it's necessary to vocalize the truth - even if just in writing. The information I'm going to be sharing are truths that have stayed behind closed doors, and currently only known to less than a handful of people. While I have felt doomed by the things that I've been through, I've come to accept it as life & personality shaping experience - the only fact that's considered positive, in my personal opinion. Finding positives that came from the traumatic experiences allowed me to recover and move on... even when I didn't feel ready to "get over it"!

(Shortened with migration)

#empath #intuitiveempath #childhoodtrauma #empathconfessions

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