There's no big secret to how one bounces back from trauma, and it's not something that happens quickly or easily. For me, it took being counselled by someone who then recommended a book that opened my eyes to my past abuse.. and this started my cycle of recovery. Removing the layers that clouded my heart and mind finally helped me to see the real me. Finally being in this state, I found myself on the spiritual path by immediately seeking those that could tell me who I really am. Summing it all up now makes it sound somewhat simple, but I remind myself the process was years long and a very heart-wrenching road to take. Not that I want to focus on the negative - we all know there's been far too much of that!
I didn't want to circle back to the subject, but the universe proves small in many ways, once again. Over the last few weeks, I finally gave in to an instinct I had to reach out to someone from my past. We didn't have a bad relationship; in fact, we hardly had one, which made it all-the-more awkward when we tried. Reconnecting proved worthy though as we came to realize we both were in a brainwashed state of denial during those years, and we've now bonded over our pasts. But in the end, there was an unsettling mood that followed as we collectively dissected a lot of lies; sadly, also explaining a lot of stories that previously left me confused. The maddening part, I must say: is learning I'm far from the only one I know that's endured the same crime.
Sometimes it takes outside factors to put things into perspective for ourselves. This is why I whole-heartedly agree it's good for people to talk about it. While it was agreed to have been the only safe method out, the "walk away" tactic left people like us angry - wanting some form of justice for anything that had been done to us, and upset that we haven't had a hand of concern to help us. Speculation is high that people like us become the person who bends over for everyone but themselves because subconsciously: we're trying to right those wrongs. We feel broken over every act of indecency, to any specie of the planet, because we know how destructive and damaging that behaviour is; not only in it's effect to the victim, but in the sad truth about the suspect themselves. It's painful for someone like me to even listen to stories with negative circumstances and outcomes, because I sincerely feel the imbalance in creates... it's a dark and disheartening feeling.
Focusing on positivity was just one of the many lessons I learned along the way. Having dealt with the mental issues that came with my past, on top of other circumstances, made it so that I didn't know how to be positive. It was hard to learn, and even harder to accept.. at least until being ready to move on as a new person. Essentially, it had a lot more to do with accepting myself as a person & priority than it did anything else. Once I put myself as the goal and set my wants & needs as priorities, positivity found it's way. There's rough moments still, especially when on a bumpy road, but keeping your eye on your own prize seems to allow the pieces to fall into place. Perhaps this may not apply to everyone, but for someone like myself; I found that all too often, it was easier to be negative because I was usually forcing myself to do things (which was essentially abusing my energy too) - either for other people as a "favour", or a decision that others suggested would be good for me. Peeling away this person, and becoming the real me, also allowed a good amount of the negative thoughts to go away.
Since everything had transpired, I had a hard time dealing with the "what now?" of my past. Teetering on the idea of pressing the harshest charge seems righteous, but also alerts me to the limitless backlash; the inevitable questions on the truth of it due to the timing, etc. etc. Even with the thought of having additional victims come forward and being more of an impact, I fully expect a returned response accusing us of collaborating lies. Even without knowing the people they are, I somehow don't doubt that readers could also agree with the harsh struggle of "how can I be believed as a victim of closed-door abuse?". Thankfully, it's an easily understood fact in the psychology world: Dirty hands always deny and will throw back accusations in response, which makes any conversation a debate - a classic narcissistic trait that allows them to always win. It's almost easier to leave it and let the dirt speak for itself; one would hope!
The truth is even with moving on, I need to continue in such a way that allows these experiences to not dictate my life. One of the many things I gave thanks for recently was the ability to have started a life that's very different from what could've been... and is one that I want. Even though I was in hiding on social media, I now freely share the highlights of life - trips, gifts, events, and special shots worthy of sharing; highlights that were non-existent or non-celebratory in that life. Being happy and in a position to enjoy the finer things in life as I do is a result that likely fuels the anger of my abusers, and probably cites further gossip about me... but seemingly feels to be a suitable "retaliation" on my part. Not only are they not a part of the better life I lead, but it's the fact that I have gone off on my own and have accomplished it.
Thinking about all of this made me realize something small, but also crucial - pressing charges is only one component when it comes to living your life after any form of abuse. While my righteous self wants the legal justice, I wonder what difference that will really make for me. Being mentally healthy enough, and able, to safely get out of the situation/relationship is a big & brave starting move, as is the healing work to distinguish the damage and it's effects. It can take any amount of time to deal with, and recover from the dissection of it, but you need to take that time. My words of advice are to not rush, or even feel rushed. Above all else though, be patient with yourself when you start to become mindful and allow yourself to be priority #1; it will still sting to say it the first few times, but you will appreciate doing it!
#empath #intuitiveempath #lifelessons #lifetransformation #childhoodtrauma #overcomingobstacles #empathconfessions