An Open Letter About Surviving
Most of you know that I'm open about experiencing childhood trauma and that I offer Intuitive Healing packages specifically for recovery from these issues, but it's not often that I speak out about what exactly happened. In these times where we're all operating in some form of survival mode, I can't help but think about it because I have to admit - even though I'm hesitant to say it - I haven't been better. But I recently reflected on this and realized that the only reason I'm not in a worse place (mentally) right now is because I did all the healing and inner work that came along with my spiritual path, which got me to thinking about how depressed, anxious, and just overall negative I would be during this pandemic if it weren't for my transformation.
The truth is, I got to a point where there was no use talking about my trauma anymore because I knew I [legally] couldn't get anywhere. I never said anything as a child because I knew that in order to come up with evidence, my "tattling" would have to be revealed; causing consequences I feared to even consider, which was another reason I kept my mouth shut. That's why it was only after my spiritual awakening - when I finally stopped excusing the evil behaviours and saw it all for what it really was - that I finally told someone about it. Long had I been living a personal hell inside my own head, suffering from mental illness so severe that I was always sick and in-and-out of jobs, but the fear of speaking the truth both hurt and set me free.
It's like a floodgate when it opens because it's been buried for so long. This is true about any issue that gets brushed under the rug and written off because someone [with the upper hand] persuaded their way to avoid the magnifying glass. It pains me to recall that I was surrounded by these narcissistic traits as a child, which further suppressed me and caused further heartache... which made it all that much more painful to say when I finally wanted to. Most of me wanted to just let it all go and run as far away from the sources as possible, and just get on with my life -- but a small part of me asked myself "should someone that has done that get away with it?!" and a boiling rage surged within.
Amongst my past trauma is a distinct memory of being molested as a child, and I'm no longer ashamed to admit that as I remember the struggle I gave and know it wasn't my fault or doing. All those years of suffering from mental illness... and it was never properly diagnosed as PTSD until I finally revealed this had happened to me. And that's the problem with PTSD - unless the root problem is addressed, every little thing that reminds you of the situation you were in triggers you and sends you RIGHT BACK to that moment.. and it replays in your mind. Once I realized this was why I couldn't handle everyday stresses that most "normal" adults breezed their way through, I slowly began to realize the damage that was done.
That just begins to reveal the type of person I used to be. For one, I DEFINITELY wasn't as vocal or truthful about myself, or my life, in any way. For the most part, I stayed hidden away because I felt that was best and that I was a burden to the world. While I never attempted suicide, I frequently wished that I was dead - because I felt that was better than living with the pain I had. To say I was the opposite of what I am now is just scratching the surface, and so in retrospect, I realized I would be rock-bottom and suffering in every way right now otherwise. In saying so, it pains me to realize how many people out there are still suffering because they're stuck in the "in-between" with similar issues, or just suffering mental illness for other reasons at this time.
I know it's hard, but holding onto your reason to survive is crucial at a time like this. When looking back to do a spiritual review, I found my connection to spirit shielded me in just enough ways to keep me alive... but even then, it was that I kept telling my childhood self to hang on until I was old enough to get away and make things better. Which, if you think about it, is a harsh reality of a statement to tell a child that you knew was being abused in any way. But besides the point - somehow, I chose to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem small and in some ways it may be far off, but it is there!
For awhile.. as I finally approached this light.. I thought it would be taken from me. When I finally felt ready to talk to someone in a legal position about my past, I was given hope as a lawyer advised me to pursue it further and connected me to organizations that would help me build my case and go to the police, etc. Unfortunately, that was a dead-end as after months of sessions and presented courses of action, I was talked out of pursuing all of it. As that door shut in my face - and other organizations that I complained to about this said it was "nothing new" - I retreated into myself to figure out what to do next. It took me a year to work up the nerve and the courage, but I finally reached out to the police myself and was surprised by what happened...
You see, I finally understand why I was being talked out of pursuing the legal courses of action, but the truth about it all is so disheartening that I feel it needs to be shared. After being called into the police station for an interview and giving a statement, I had the full support of the police to pursue it further. However, since the case had to be transferred to a different region for reporting reasons - and because it wasn't a 'fresh' case - it was months before I got a call back. When I finally did, the assigned detective was very supportive but also straight forward about the facts -- it would take years of court dates and a battle with a defence attorney that would try to paint me as being partially responsible for the event, even though I was a child and the suspect was an adult... all because 'that's usually how it goes'.
I walked away from that meeting thinking "what kind of world are we living in?". 20+ years after the event, when I'm finally ready to stand up and fight for what's right and I don't even stand a chance! While the record is at least there (just no charges or any action taken on the person), all I could see to do was just continue to keep walking away from it. That's a tough pill to swallow because you either accept that you can't do anything, or you deal with the battle knowing the end result may be nothing. So even though I was in a better place at this point, this was a mental setback in it's own way. I had no choice but to consider that I will never see any justice served.
So if you're feeling like justice isn't served for you or your family, or you feel like you're fighting a losing battle - I hear you and I feel you. I had to sit with this reality for awhile to decide how I wanted to move on, and it took reminding myself of not giving up to keep going with a smile on my face. There's no use giving into anger because it won't get you anywhere good, and I knew that the best comeback to the life those experiences wanted me to have (continuing with all my addictions, not working and having any life goals, not seeing myself as a member of society) was to live the best life that I possibly could.
And so in conclusion, that's the same thought that I hold onto even through these trying times. In the worst case scenario where things end badly for me because of this pandemic, I'll be happy knowing that I was living to the fullest up to the end -- although I highly doubt we need to be thinking like this! It's really the smaller parts within it; knowing that you're doing things that make you feel happy & fulfilled, being in a home filled with love & joy, and working on something (no matter how small) that gives back to the world in some way. Even if you feel lacking in one of the above, it can be as simple as focusing in on a passion to find a way that you can easily spend time to fill that department.
I know this may not be exactly what you're looking to hear, or perhaps this was more insightful than you were expecting - either way, I hope there's some tidbit of advice you can use from this. My point in sharing this as I did (and as with any other information I choose to share on this blog!), is to help those having trouble seeing light and hope to realize that it's reachable. I never would've imagined becoming the person I am today, especially someone ready to help others at this world-changing period, but I'm thankful that these experiences mean I'm here to share it all with you.
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