The Lasting Effects
Over the last few months, I've become more and more acquainted with writing as I've needed to for my business. Doing this has allowed me to finally feel comfortable speaking freely and truthfully... which is something I'm noticing comes more appreciated these days. As someone that's been through things that I would never wish on an enemy, I feel it's my duty to share my experiences in hopes that it effects someone in a positive way. This new series of posts is going to be more personal and consists of posts that I've stopped myself from publishing on Facebook - purely due to the nature of content (surviving abuse, life choices as a result, etc.). I've taken these posts and extended them into this...
Having spent years of my adult life learning how to function and think for myself (then later transforming myself through spiritual practices), I will be the first to say that I've missed out on time and opportunities. Years of suffering flashbacks of traumatic situations that were either denied or ignored at the time, I spent a lot of my life just trying to get through the day. No matter how much I accomplish on my own, and how much progress I make in developing myself, I am frequently reminded by others that I'm further behind in life [than they are]. At 33, I have just finally found my path and recently learned to love myself unconditionally. It's sad to think it took me almost 30 years to figure myself out, but that was the result of my upbringing.
I can't possibly cover all the details but at the core of it all, my family home was completely dysfunctional. When I wasn't busy sucking up to someone to make them happy, I was walking on eggshells hoping to make a break to hide in my bedroom. At the time, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong because as far as I was concerned - this was love. Love was doing exactly what you were told, not having a different opinion and not having the option to say no without enduring guilt & possible consequences. The worst was being assured that "normal childhood discipline" included being hit with a belt and having to suck on a bar of soap. Thankfully I only witnessed those acts (I was always careful to avoid such situations happening to me), but it was enough to burn those scenes into my brain and scar me for life.
Even worse than that though were the sexual crimes against me. From a very early age, I was conditioned in a way that I can't even properly label - to say I was set up to be a physical/sexual person is probably appropriate. This is partially due to things I had to see and partially due to how I was being treated as a female. I can vividly describe the one molestation incident that happened to me when I was 11 - something else that left a deep scar. I never spoke of the incident because I didn't expect anyone to believe me (a known trend in my family when it comes to this subject) and because the person that did it to me was always able to excuse their way out of everything. Not long after this, I ended up in counselling... then psychiatry, and was put on a bunch of pills that did nothing because the real issue wasn't being addressed.
Absolutely no one had any clue what was going on in my home life because I didn't let anyone in. The doctors heard about how anxious it was to live with the dysfunction & anger, but their dismissal of it further validated [to me] that it was "normal". I rarely brought people home because it usually resulted in unnecessary questions and comments once they left, and some of the people that visited never spoke to me again after seeing my home/family. It was as if the entire outside world knew what they were seeing, but I never had a chance; both my sibling and I were bullied at school and in public, and I became the target of elaborate rumors once I went through puberty. For the longest time, I truly felt I didn't have a single friend in this world and that this life was not worth living.
Looking back, I know I made a lot of bad choices as a result of the sexual assault. Not only did I throw myself at boys once I was of dating age, but I was often just in it to get the attention and physical comfort... not realizing why I was longing for it. Even though I waited until after 16 to lose my virginity, I now know that even that too was something I did simply because I felt I needed to. It's not at all that I didn't consent, but as far as I was concerned at that time - if I didn't do it, then I wasn't proving my love. I feel terrible to realize this truth but I completely forgive my younger self for not knowing any better.
Needless to say, I have had to do a lot of womb healing in the past couple years! Not just to heal the damage from the assault and anything attached to that, but also to release what I've subjected myself to so I can finally take pleasure in it. Sexuality was "off-limits" as a result of my experiences - I could not take any pleasure in myself, and it was all about allowing the male to have a good time... and yes, I had a deep-rooted belief that I had to submit to it (which I realize was a result of my understanding/view of adult relationships). Another cringe-worthy thought, but again.. I didn't see that at all at the time. Some of the unspeakable things I have seen, and behaviors/comments I had gotten used to, taught me that women were sexual beings that were there to submit and fulfill all the man's needs.
In order to break this cycle, I had to completely cut off everyone in and around that circle of abuse. As an Empath, the narcissistic behaviors had an invisible leash on me - as bad behaviors & comments were excused and arguments turned around on me once they needed to deflect, I ended up being pulled into the vortex of feeling sorry for them (and then caving to their needs). My last straw was when I was free of the worst of it and I tried to help someone that said they also wanted to break free - this backfired once it became obvious that I was being used and my intuitive advice ignored. Time and time again I've found myself bending over backwards, gifting money I didn't have, sacrificing my time and help when I truthfully didn't want to.. and end up finding out something that makes me feel like a fool.
At this point, I knew I had to get serious about protecting myself. As an Empath, I've spent my entire life playing the game of healer while not having any healing (or nurturing) for myself... which had to immediately change.
The accumulation of what I've endured was a perfect storm for completely brainwashing me as an Empath. I had zero interest in myself on any level before finally seeing that bit of light that made me want to break free. I repressed a lot of my memories and excused the behaviors using the same commentary I heard throughout my childhood. All of the brainwashing was my mental illness.. the one I had long since struggled with. Instead of being treated for PTSD and trying to address the issues, I was being treated for Depression, Anxiety, OCD and Co-dependency. Not that that diagnosis was completely wrong, but it's as if the doctors took no interest in prying further - even after they agreed I lived in a dysfunctional home and needed to get out ASAP.
The damage done was seemingly irreparable, but not once I got into the space to fully commit to changing my life. Needless to say though, there was damage done to a lot of other people (the bystanders) along the way... which is something I've worked hard on fixing in the past couple years. One of the lasting thoughts is over the fact that I can't go back; I can't change anything that happened and I can't change how the outside world saw, and treated, me. It has taken a lot of work to become who I am today, and the same can be said for the important things that remain in my life - such as my new family. All of what I've said above would be denied or excused by my abusers; which is why, if anything, I feel the need to write about it. To be able to say, without dispute, that what was done to me messed me up more than they'll ever know.
#empath #intuitiveempath #childhoodtrauma #overcomingobstacles #lifetransformation #empathconfessions
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