A Confession: Overcoming Trauma
I've decided to revisit a previous post of mine that has not been migrated to Blogger, called "A Confession: Overcoming Abuse". In that article, I exposed information about myself on the subject of abuse and being a childhood sexual assault victim. This was not migrated for many reasons, with one being the potential to pursue legal action and charges. As I have since done so, I realized I would now see that article rewritten! I wish to provide these facts so that you're aware of the nature of the content you're about to read (and to bridge the gap for long-time readers that have noticed the disappearance of the article); this is a rewrite of my experience for the purpose of exposing how I learned to heal from it. I've also become keen on sharing this information (telling my story) publicly after being told it's not worth it [for me] to pursue legal action.
If you're an empowered Intuitive and/or Empath, then you too are well familiar with trauma - either healing from your own and/or helping others with theirs. As I became empowered as a healer, my work included healing from these truths of mine while I learned how to provide this guidance. Even though I had come to terms with my repressed memories and the truth of what really happened to me using methods from traditional therapy, I (at this point in time) still longed for results that made me feel like I could effectively move on - as someone that wasn't still affected [in any way] by the "victim mentality". Little did I realize that the healing modalities I learned would be the key to achieving that... By revisiting my traumatic memories and my inner child through meditation, I was finally able to see myself the way that I needed to see myself.
Having grown up in a tightly-knit household that was disconnected from the world outside, I realize how it was easy for me to repress the abuse and become someone that continuously felt responsible and sorry for the abuser. The circumstances behind the personalities involved include repeating the same cycle of abuse that they endured as a child - obviously having not sought any measures to truly help themselves. While this brought more understanding to my situation, it still instilled the fact that I could not forgive them... but the resulting revelations brought me inner peace. Taking time to dissect the past led me to realizations that set me free and allowed me to begin considering my legal options.
Throughout my childhood, I was vastly affected by verbal and mental abuse; as I was surrounded by dysfunctional behaviour and beliefs, and consequencing ridicule while in the "outside world", the abuse took a gradual toll and branched off into other forms of abuse. A lot of the anxiety & anger that lingered into my adulthood stemmed from being led to believe that these experiences, expectations and relationships were normal... and keeping quiet as a result of the beliefs. As getting out into the "real world" as an adult proved to look quite different, I finally began to question things. This led up to a momentous point of my life as mentioned in My Discovery - where I felt the need to break free from everything that dragged me down and change my lifestyle; which led to my spiritual awakening.
Truth be told: following my spiritual awakening, I was perfectly happy to continue on with life just leaving my past where it is. This worked, but it never alleviated the anger that I had buried. As I also realized that a lot of my experience included the factor of "narcissist controlling the empath", I held resentment over knowing I completely lost myself long ago. This turned into the fire that saw me reaching out to people and resources that could help me move onward. It took awhile (even after I posted the first article) to feel ready to find support for legal action, but it eventually felt like something I was ready to do. Regardless of the results, it alleviated the remaining guilt to tell my story and have it validated.
Nothing will change the fact of what happened, or that it took more than 25 years to wake up to the reality of it - this was the hardest pill for me to swallow because I "woke up" wanting to kick myself for wasting time, money, etc. etc. (my life; as I saw it). As I pursued spiritual healing and learned Reiki, I sought out mentoring which led me through ascension. This work included the guided meditations (inner alchemy, shadow work) that provided the exploration and healing I needed. Even when I felt I was as "recovered" as I could be [from traditional therapy], I was shocked to find out that I could better connect with my body and reclaim ownership of it. As I know this isn't an easily-accessible process for everyone, I'm happy to now be able to provide the specific guided meditations through my business!
It's really difficult to properly summarize all the work I've had to do to get to where I am today - so if you're reading this and think I've made it sound quick and easy.. there's a fact I want to add: All of the above revelations and work took place over the course of the past 6 years. Do not feel a need to rush through any of your process if you don't want to, but also realize that there are holds created by your past/circumstances that will continue to keep you feeling stuck until you take a leap. Despite being in therapy since the age of 12, I never felt able to break from the emotional holds until I started receiving Reiki. I've since realized that these treatments removed the negative energy blockages that were created, allowing me to finally think and feel [for myself] freely.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with their trauma, and mine was by burying it as deep as I could. Until I was able to effectively "break free" 6 years ago, I was [self-]medicating in many ways... In addition to psychiatrist-prescribed pills, I was an overweight, emotional eater and a heavy smoker that also liked to stay up late drinking on weekends. Without even realizing it, I was going through life basing all my decisions on my learned survival and coping instincts. These behaviours became more obvious in their toll as the years went by, which is why I felt it all start to sneak up on me one day - at age 27. Every change has come in baby steps over the years as they are not easy habits to rid yourself of - so don't feel bad (and take a step back!) if you have a hard time and feeling like you're doing too much at once.
Even now, I know there's still some lingering habits to let go of: learning to eat more healthy (more plant-based), eliminating all substances completely (ie. alcohol, as I [personally] realized it can become an instigator for other behaviours), and clearing the roots of the negative and self-destructive beliefs that my past created. Again, I know these changes are best accomplished using baby steps and by being gentle and patient. When I did my reflection on my past, I realized that I also learned these bad habits growing up; either from my environment ("normal") or as a coping skill. Seeing that my behaviours were created by my mind's need to "continue on while knowing my life's experiences"... it's no wonder I have a very hard time when it comes to withdrawal. If you resonate with this, know you're not alone!
I'd like to leave this off on a higher note considering the topic... but I realize this still leaves a lot of questions. While it was suggested that I pursue a few avenues when it comes to legal options, the decision around closing my file came from the conclusion that I will very likely walk away with nothing [even when the charges go through] -- except for the chance to open all doors again when the questioning begins. I found the explanation extremely upsetting given the fact that a second childhood sexual assault victim has come forward; making us both feel as though the system is failing us. As someone that understood both sides of the argument on said conclusion, I was deeply saddened knowing the only way for me to bring my truths to light is to write about them.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if it's really hard to see. It took a really long time for me to want to speak to authorities but in hindsight, it's a good thing I was able to get to that point at all. It's a shame and it is sad that what's done was done and it won't officially be addressed, but that has inspired me to consider writing a book about it. Additionally, I welcome anyone that wants support to reach out to me through my website - as I wish to help others with similar pasts. I am at the point where I am desperate to move on with life and realize spending any more time on the past is what will continue to hurt me. Once you feel this is your truth, you are ready for anything you never thought would be possible before!
#empath #intuitiveempath #lifelessons #childhoodtrauma #reiki #spiritualawakening #overcomingobstacles #empathconfessions